Catch-up Post, New PR, and Some Personal Stuff

I know I promised I would be better about posting! I've been out of town probably three times in the past five days, including a four-hour drive to IKEA (the nearest one!) to get some last-minute apartment stuff. Moving day is Saturday, and I still have so much to do.

On a better note, today I upped my deadlift and hit another PR...190lbs! I tried for 200lbs but it was a bad pull from the beginning for some reason. I knew the second I grabbed the bar it wasn't going to happen. I think if I'd had a normal good pull, I would have hit it, but I'm definitely happy with 190!

I am a bit worried about the weight I've put on over the summer. I've struggled with eating issues in the past (understatement of basically ever), so this is really bothering me. When I'm really down about my weight, it affects everything in my life. I don't want to do anything, I want to stay inside, and of course that sadness just makes me eat more. It's a really terrible cycle. I had spent the last school year being moderately lean with pretty good intake, but the second I got home it just went downhill.

My chaotic and inconsistent schedule over the summer combined with the "donuts for all meals are okay" attitude of my house has been hell on my body in many different ways. I can't say part of me didn't love the splurge...most of ED past revolved around sweets and baked goods as comfort for my anxieties, and that calming feeling I get when I have a cupcake or chocolate bar hasn't really gone away despite years of therapy...but then there's the aftermath. That's the worst part. And once that cycle begins, it's hell to get out of, particularly when you're in an environment that fosters it. I know that once I move I'll be eating clean and have a better schedule, but until then I'm just trying to make it through. I feel like I just have a million pounds of fat to lose, and I do have plenty of muscle under there so I think I'll look okay once I lean out. It's just a lot of extra worrying that I don't need right now, you know?

Anywho, this week will be hectic, but I'll try to get some posts and pics in! I do try to post on my Instagram more often, so check that out!

So, hit a deadlift PR yesterday, which was really cool!

I'm a notoriously terrible deadlifter. Like, there was a point in time where my squat and deadlift were terribly close. I don't know if I just don't have the body type for it (I think this is part of it...I'm built for squats!), but I was stuck for a really long time and I was getting extremely frustrated. My boyfriend tried to help me with my technique, and he'd get furious because I just wasn't getting it down. It wasn't that I wasn't making an effort, it's just that my body didn't DO things the way his does. A lot of it, I think, I can attribute to my pretty different center of gravity, which is loads lower than his or even a lot of women. I tried sumo, which was eh, but I still wasn't making the progress I should have been.

One day I showed up at the gym and someone had left 135 sitting on the platform. I just went over, picked it up, and put it in the rack. All of a sudden I stopped...the week before, I struggled terribly with 135. Confused, I grabbed it out of the rack, put it down, and picked it up again. That day everything changed. I stopped overthinking. I stopped taking tons of time to set up. That just made it worse. Just walking up and picking up the weight...as ridiculous and simple as this sounds...was what worked. When I did that, it was like my body automatically shifted into the position I needed to be in to lift the weight as easily as possible, the position I had been trying so hard to find. I struggle with reps, because when I put the weight down, I lose that position, but things are looking up.

Yesterday I pulled 185, which isn't really a lot to most people, but for me (I'm 5'2, and even when I'm heavier like now that's definitely more than 1.5xBW) that was a goal that I had set for myself. And it wasn't too awful! I maybe could have even pulled a bit more! I'm pretty hard on myself a lot of the time, but this was the first time in a while I felt satisfied, and almost a bit proud. I still hear myself reminding my head that, hey, you're heavier than you usually are, of course your weights should go up a bit. But I'm trying to just concentrate on the fact that my first deadlift ever was 65lbs and I'm up to almost three times that.

Now onto the next goal...the elusive 2 plates!