I struggle a lot with my weight. I'm never happy with the number on the scale, or what I look like. With the summer spent at home, I'm finding myself about 12-15lbs heavier than I usually am, and that's been stressing me out to the max. My clothes don't really fit anymore. I hate what I see in the mirror. I've even been putting off going to the gym because I hate the feeling that I'm the "fat girl at the gym". I liked it when I was more petite, going to the gym and lifting weights and feeling badass because I was so small lifting pretty big for my size. Now, I almost dread it. My gym clothes don't fit the way I like. My weights aren't nearly as good in regards to my size. I feel silly, stupid.
Realistically, I know I'm not medically overweight, even when I'm on the "heavier" end of my weight fluctuations like now. I'm "normal", which is something I cringe saying when I so desperately want to be "small". I also know that I'll probably never be content with what I look like. But the thing with severe body image issues (and the related disordered eating), is they can be...as silly as this sounds...debilitating. I find myself so depressed and anxious that I don't want to do anything, and that takes its toll on every aspect of my life, from the gym to my relationship to school. Food is not something you can just quit. You're stuck with it to survive. And it takes over your mind where it's all you can think about. Food, eating, how you look, how you feel like your fat rolls are pouring over the top of your pants.
I'm trying very hard not to resort to "just don't eat". For anyone who doesn't have experience with eating disorders, that sounds kind of ridiculous, but to me it sounds like such a "safe" and simple way to drop the weight I've put on, plus a little more. But I've worked so hard on my lifts to get where I am (which still doesn't feel like very far!), that the thought of my lifts going down so significantly is also unsettling. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place; I can drop the weight unhealthily and get back to where I feel a little better about myself, but all of my hard work will suffer. Or, I can eat healthily and lose the weight slowly while keeping my lifts relatively stable, but deal with the tremendous anxiety of not losing enough weight right this moment.
It's going to be tough...trying to eat healthily but still enough, which my brain keeps yelling at me is too much too much. I just want to feel better, in every sense of the word, physically and mentally.
I'm going to post a few pics, which makes me uncomfortable, but that's the point. I have to get over that.
New lipstick! Le Metier de Beaute in Thailand
I know I don't ever get a lot of readers, or comments, but if anyone has any advice, or stories to share, I would love to hear from you!
Tomorrow I'm planning a my-lips-but-better lipstick post, which is exciting!