On a better note, today I upped my deadlift and hit another PR...190lbs! I tried for 200lbs but it was a bad pull from the beginning for some reason. I knew the second I grabbed the bar it wasn't going to happen. I think if I'd had a normal good pull, I would have hit it, but I'm definitely happy with 190!
I am a bit worried about the weight I've put on over the summer. I've struggled with eating issues in the past (understatement of basically ever), so this is really bothering me. When I'm really down about my weight, it affects everything in my life. I don't want to do anything, I want to stay inside, and of course that sadness just makes me eat more. It's a really terrible cycle. I had spent the last school year being moderately lean with pretty good intake, but the second I got home it just went downhill.
My chaotic and inconsistent schedule over the summer combined with the "donuts for all meals are okay" attitude of my house has been hell on my body in many different ways. I can't say part of me didn't love the splurge...most of ED past revolved around sweets and baked goods as comfort for my anxieties, and that calming feeling I get when I have a cupcake or chocolate bar hasn't really gone away despite years of therapy...but then there's the aftermath. That's the worst part. And once that cycle begins, it's hell to get out of, particularly when you're in an environment that fosters it. I know that once I move I'll be eating clean and have a better schedule, but until then I'm just trying to make it through. I feel like I just have a million pounds of fat to lose, and I do have plenty of muscle under there so I think I'll look okay once I lean out. It's just a lot of extra worrying that I don't need right now, you know?
Anywho, this week will be hectic, but I'll try to get some posts and pics in! I do try to post on my Instagram more often, so check that out!
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